It's late and it's quiet and I love you

I am sitting at the computer wanting to write but with nothing to say. This happens often. It's like inside I know what needs to happen to feel complete but no muse to fill my brain with words to create....well anything.

I haven't really left my house in three days. Tomorrow I go back to work, I have no choice. I feel apathetic towards this arrangement. Get up (whether I feel like it or not), dress and prepare, drive through traffic to a place where I will spend the day being demeaned and miserable so that every 14 days I can pick up a paycheck and pay for crap I'm not even sure I ever wanted. This arrangement is not unusual. In fact, I think most people live their lives this way. What a sad lot we are.

It's for this reason NYC seems more plausible everyday. I have no real reason to be here in Seattle. I could sell everything and leave. I don't know what I would do differently in NYC. I would start by working as little as possible. I would work a small part time gig some place with no future and I enjoy the people. My days would be spent observing people, shrouded in art of all types. Maybe taking some classes and really learning about the power of the written word so one day I might be truly good at it. Sharpen a gift and desire I have had for so long. It's funny how much scarier this seems to me now then moving to Seattle did 3 years ago. I am not sure I could start all over again, again. I am alone and lonely enough here how much worse across the country but hey, maybe it would finally give me something to write about.

I love you
I say it because I mean it
although sometimes I don't.

Sometimes when I say 'I love you'
it's just to feel how the words slide off the tongue
like a million little nerve endings on fire

and sometimes I say it in the hopes you'll say it back
not because I want you to love me
or because I love you too
but because it's need is rooted too deep to remove

so I guess I love you.
Today, anyway
tomorrow it might be someone better equipped
Someone who knows how to make it sound real when they say it back
and doesn't need me to mean it in anyway

Not like you

You want it to be real
you want me to feel love

well,I do
I love you
tell me you do too

© Valerie Long

It Just Comes Out

I have spent the past two days doing nothing but recuperating. It has been nice but also dreadfully boring and unproductive. I was just thinking this as I lay in my bed waiting for a text or a phone call or a Facebook update to give me something to look at when I started typing out some lyrics. I didn't think about them, they just came out. I figured when writing happens this way it's best not to edit and just let it be so below I have included the song 'Jump'. Also below, a poem I wrote as part of my 'In the Palm of Your Hand' New Years project. It is one of two poems written for the Speak, Memory chapter of the book.


Jump

You spent hours building reflections
In a fragmented mirror
Building dreams out of dissipated, unresolving fears

You were beautiful in pieces
And a masterpiece when whole
But that didn't happen often since
Each day your soul was holier than the Mother Mary's own

And when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so


When you laughed it made the earth crack
Underneath your saddled weight
Sewing semblances of smiles
Onto your sullen face

You're the hero that they asked for
A casualty of faith
Making all the question answered
As time will take the place of fate
So no need to go make haste

'Cause when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so
But I told you so


You can let go of all forgivings
Let this life that's left you seething
Fade away
Its not your mistake
There's no accident in wondering
What makes it all okay
Just remember its a lie
That tomorrows a new day
It's all the same
And you'll hate it anyway

when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you
But I told you so
I told you so

© Valerie Long



Poem One: A Childhood Memory

“February 27th”

My body was stone
Sunken into a cheap futon mattress
I could still smell her hair, green apple saliva on the pillow

Her note said it was my fault.
This wasn’t unusual
The several deep marks on my inner thighs, monuments to all the faults before this

I hadn’t expected that there would be so much pain
My body stretching the full length of the bed,
Muscles ripping from my bones, heart beat pounding in my ears,
It was our first time all over again
Only she wasn’t next to me, any sign of her was lost in and out of consciousness

The chemicals from the many, too many, sleeping pills floated
Iridescent arrows shot from invisible enemies raced toward me
Their precise sting radiating through every limb

So this is what it’s like to die?
The question hung on a dry tongue
Throat closed with anticipation
Palms sweaty with nerves

Then the heart that beat
Each pause getting longer
And each picture my eyes took dimmer
Every tear sliding off my cheek and getting lost in the comforter underneath

Was it my heart or my lungs that froze first?
Silent sweeping over the room like a snow storm
Cold settling in around the loneliness
Black enveloping the scene until morning

© Valerie Long

It's A New Year

It's MMXI now, so quickly...

....I don't think I actually kept any of my 2010 resolutions, which is uncommon for me. I hope that I do better this year around.

I am going to start off the year by cracking open 'In the Palm of Your Hand'. I am going to write my first set of poems today. The first few chapters have always helped to inspire me. I should have some writing up for you shortly. Also, I need to do some major editing on '15'. It is due by January 27th if I want to get into the Amazon contest. If nothing comes up I might even finish the book today. Honestly though, I would prefer for something to come up.

Onward and upward...

my condo smells like garlic and ham and it is delicious. I am taking down the Christmas tree because the holidays have passed and I survived another long year promising that this year will be more productive and I actually believe this year is going to be better than the ones before it. Doing NaNoWriMo, amongst other things, have given me a confidence and centered-ness and I feel like I can accomplish much more than I had originally thought, and this year I aim to continue in that vein. Wish me luck.