I am sitting at the computer wanting to write but with nothing to say. This happens often. It's like inside I know what needs to happen to feel complete but no muse to fill my brain with words to create....well anything.
I haven't really left my house in three days. Tomorrow I go back to work, I have no choice. I feel apathetic towards this arrangement. Get up (whether I feel like it or not), dress and prepare, drive through traffic to a place where I will spend the day being demeaned and miserable so that every 14 days I can pick up a paycheck and pay for crap I'm not even sure I ever wanted. This arrangement is not unusual. In fact, I think most people live their lives this way. What a sad lot we are.
It's for this reason NYC seems more plausible everyday. I have no real reason to be here in Seattle. I could sell everything and leave. I don't know what I would do differently in NYC. I would start by working as little as possible. I would work a small part time gig some place with no future and I enjoy the people. My days would be spent observing people, shrouded in art of all types. Maybe taking some classes and really learning about the power of the written word so one day I might be truly good at it. Sharpen a gift and desire I have had for so long. It's funny how much scarier this seems to me now then moving to Seattle did 3 years ago. I am not sure I could start all over again, again. I am alone and lonely enough here how much worse across the country but hey, maybe it would finally give me something to write about.
I love you
I say it because I mean it
although sometimes I don't.
Sometimes when I say 'I love you'
it's just to feel how the words slide off the tongue
like a million little nerve endings on fire
and sometimes I say it in the hopes you'll say it back
not because I want you to love me
or because I love you too
but because it's need is rooted too deep to remove
so I guess I love you.
Today, anyway
tomorrow it might be someone better equipped
Someone who knows how to make it sound real when they say it back
and doesn't need me to mean it in anyway
Not like you
You want it to be real
you want me to feel love
well,I do
I love you
tell me you do too
© Valerie Long
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
It Just Comes Out
I have spent the past two days doing nothing but recuperating. It has been nice but also dreadfully boring and unproductive. I was just thinking this as I lay in my bed waiting for a text or a phone call or a Facebook update to give me something to look at when I started typing out some lyrics. I didn't think about them, they just came out. I figured when writing happens this way it's best not to edit and just let it be so below I have included the song 'Jump'. Also below, a poem I wrote as part of my 'In the Palm of Your Hand' New Years project. It is one of two poems written for the Speak, Memory chapter of the book.
Jump
You spent hours building reflections
In a fragmented mirror
Building dreams out of dissipated, unresolving fears
You were beautiful in pieces
And a masterpiece when whole
But that didn't happen often since
Each day your soul was holier than the Mother Mary's own
And when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so
When you laughed it made the earth crack
Underneath your saddled weight
Sewing semblances of smiles
Onto your sullen face
You're the hero that they asked for
A casualty of faith
Making all the question answered
As time will take the place of fate
So no need to go make haste
'Cause when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so
But I told you so
You can let go of all forgivings
Let this life that's left you seething
Fade away
Its not your mistake
There's no accident in wondering
What makes it all okay
Just remember its a lie
That tomorrows a new day
It's all the same
And you'll hate it anyway
when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you
But I told you so
I told you so
© Valerie Long
Poem One: A Childhood Memory
“February 27th”
My body was stone
Sunken into a cheap futon mattress
I could still smell her hair, green apple saliva on the pillow
Her note said it was my fault.
This wasn’t unusual
The several deep marks on my inner thighs, monuments to all the faults before this
I hadn’t expected that there would be so much pain
My body stretching the full length of the bed,
Muscles ripping from my bones, heart beat pounding in my ears,
It was our first time all over again
Only she wasn’t next to me, any sign of her was lost in and out of consciousness
The chemicals from the many, too many, sleeping pills floated
Iridescent arrows shot from invisible enemies raced toward me
Their precise sting radiating through every limb
So this is what it’s like to die?
The question hung on a dry tongue
Throat closed with anticipation
Palms sweaty with nerves
Then the heart that beat
Each pause getting longer
And each picture my eyes took dimmer
Every tear sliding off my cheek and getting lost in the comforter underneath
Was it my heart or my lungs that froze first?
Silent sweeping over the room like a snow storm
Cold settling in around the loneliness
Black enveloping the scene until morning
© Valerie Long
Jump
You spent hours building reflections
In a fragmented mirror
Building dreams out of dissipated, unresolving fears
You were beautiful in pieces
And a masterpiece when whole
But that didn't happen often since
Each day your soul was holier than the Mother Mary's own
And when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so
When you laughed it made the earth crack
Underneath your saddled weight
Sewing semblances of smiles
Onto your sullen face
You're the hero that they asked for
A casualty of faith
Making all the question answered
As time will take the place of fate
So no need to go make haste
'Cause when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you so
But I told you so
You can let go of all forgivings
Let this life that's left you seething
Fade away
Its not your mistake
There's no accident in wondering
What makes it all okay
Just remember its a lie
That tomorrows a new day
It's all the same
And you'll hate it anyway
when we fall we kiss the world goodbye
A single tear drops from the eye's of man
And when you go
The whole wide world will sing
About the joy you didn't bring
It isn't better to know and I
Don't want to say I told you
But I told you so
I told you so
© Valerie Long
Poem One: A Childhood Memory
“February 27th”
My body was stone
Sunken into a cheap futon mattress
I could still smell her hair, green apple saliva on the pillow
Her note said it was my fault.
This wasn’t unusual
The several deep marks on my inner thighs, monuments to all the faults before this
I hadn’t expected that there would be so much pain
My body stretching the full length of the bed,
Muscles ripping from my bones, heart beat pounding in my ears,
It was our first time all over again
Only she wasn’t next to me, any sign of her was lost in and out of consciousness
The chemicals from the many, too many, sleeping pills floated
Iridescent arrows shot from invisible enemies raced toward me
Their precise sting radiating through every limb
So this is what it’s like to die?
The question hung on a dry tongue
Throat closed with anticipation
Palms sweaty with nerves
Then the heart that beat
Each pause getting longer
And each picture my eyes took dimmer
Every tear sliding off my cheek and getting lost in the comforter underneath
Was it my heart or my lungs that froze first?
Silent sweeping over the room like a snow storm
Cold settling in around the loneliness
Black enveloping the scene until morning
© Valerie Long
Saturday, January 1, 2011
It's A New Year
It's MMXI now, so quickly...
....I don't think I actually kept any of my 2010 resolutions, which is uncommon for me. I hope that I do better this year around.
I am going to start off the year by cracking open 'In the Palm of Your Hand'. I am going to write my first set of poems today. The first few chapters have always helped to inspire me. I should have some writing up for you shortly. Also, I need to do some major editing on '15'. It is due by January 27th if I want to get into the Amazon contest. If nothing comes up I might even finish the book today. Honestly though, I would prefer for something to come up.
Onward and upward...
my condo smells like garlic and ham and it is delicious. I am taking down the Christmas tree because the holidays have passed and I survived another long year promising that this year will be more productive and I actually believe this year is going to be better than the ones before it. Doing NaNoWriMo, amongst other things, have given me a confidence and centered-ness and I feel like I can accomplish much more than I had originally thought, and this year I aim to continue in that vein. Wish me luck.
....I don't think I actually kept any of my 2010 resolutions, which is uncommon for me. I hope that I do better this year around.
I am going to start off the year by cracking open 'In the Palm of Your Hand'. I am going to write my first set of poems today. The first few chapters have always helped to inspire me. I should have some writing up for you shortly. Also, I need to do some major editing on '15'. It is due by January 27th if I want to get into the Amazon contest. If nothing comes up I might even finish the book today. Honestly though, I would prefer for something to come up.
Onward and upward...
my condo smells like garlic and ham and it is delicious. I am taking down the Christmas tree because the holidays have passed and I survived another long year promising that this year will be more productive and I actually believe this year is going to be better than the ones before it. Doing NaNoWriMo, amongst other things, have given me a confidence and centered-ness and I feel like I can accomplish much more than I had originally thought, and this year I aim to continue in that vein. Wish me luck.
Friday, December 24, 2010
All I Want for Christmas
So I just downloaded a Blogger application to my droid so I don't have to get up and go to my computer to blog. As I lay in my super warm, comfty bed I am realizing that there is much I want this Christmas season that wont be waiting for me under my [slightly pathetic ] Christmas Tree. It started when I woke up this Christmas Eve Morning cozy and cuddly...with no one to cuddle. This puts Man Specimen at the top of my list.
Now I know the Feminist Movement says we don't need a man, and I don't, but I'd sure like one. This would have been the perfect morning to sleep in and wake to a warm bodied, handsome man. With no need to rush out of the bed. We could just lay in silence enjoying the.....coffee??
Yes, the next thing I want is coffee. I don't even like coffee but doesn't it fit perfect in my scenario? Me and my Man Specimen cuddle under tons of blankets and pillows with warm steaming coffee mugs on the nightstand in the pre-dawn light on Christmas Eve Mourn? Yes, I indeed want coffee. 2 coffees to be exact.
Next, pancakes and bacon. Now normally I would have sausage with panakes but yesterday I learned there is a Bacon of the Month Club. Can you believe that!? Bacon is so delicious a club has been made where you can have wholesome bacon delivered to your doorstep once a month!! That sounds like heaven! It's clouded my mind since I read about it. So bacon with my pancakes and my coffee and warm, handsome Man Specimen.
I have none of these things but I do have a droid with a blogger app so that I can lay under my Ikea Childrens bed set and blog about the things that I wont be opening up tomorrow. Either way I am pretty darn blessed to be alive and pretty in love with this life. So thank you Jesus for first being a baby and then being a savior, and thank you cyber world for letting me take up a url and anyone who may read this Merry Christmas.
Now I know the Feminist Movement says we don't need a man, and I don't, but I'd sure like one. This would have been the perfect morning to sleep in and wake to a warm bodied, handsome man. With no need to rush out of the bed. We could just lay in silence enjoying the.....coffee??
Yes, the next thing I want is coffee. I don't even like coffee but doesn't it fit perfect in my scenario? Me and my Man Specimen cuddle under tons of blankets and pillows with warm steaming coffee mugs on the nightstand in the pre-dawn light on Christmas Eve Mourn? Yes, I indeed want coffee. 2 coffees to be exact.
Next, pancakes and bacon. Now normally I would have sausage with panakes but yesterday I learned there is a Bacon of the Month Club. Can you believe that!? Bacon is so delicious a club has been made where you can have wholesome bacon delivered to your doorstep once a month!! That sounds like heaven! It's clouded my mind since I read about it. So bacon with my pancakes and my coffee and warm, handsome Man Specimen.
I have none of these things but I do have a droid with a blogger app so that I can lay under my Ikea Childrens bed set and blog about the things that I wont be opening up tomorrow. Either way I am pretty darn blessed to be alive and pretty in love with this life. So thank you Jesus for first being a baby and then being a savior, and thank you cyber world for letting me take up a url and anyone who may read this Merry Christmas.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Blocked up and it's not even 2011....
I have been trying to write this morning and I am already on a form of writer's block. ugh. Trying to write some poetry for Line Zero (linezero.org). It isn't going so well, but here's a piece for you anyway
Small People (Unfinished)
She had small hands
Small hands and long fingers
And a crooked smile
He had small hands too
With fingernails bitten down from his crooked teeth
Their hands fit perfectly in each others,
Elbows knocking as they walked
Her large eyes graced him
Noted ever piece of clothing outside
And every curve of his body beneath
Every place her small hands would search in the dark
and he knew every curve of flesh that his lips would crease
causing gasps of air
and the heat to surface from their bodies
to be continued...
Small People (Unfinished)
She had small hands
Small hands and long fingers
And a crooked smile
He had small hands too
With fingernails bitten down from his crooked teeth
Their hands fit perfectly in each others,
Elbows knocking as they walked
Her large eyes graced him
Noted ever piece of clothing outside
And every curve of his body beneath
Every place her small hands would search in the dark
and he knew every curve of flesh that his lips would crease
causing gasps of air
and the heat to surface from their bodies
to be continued...
In 2011...
Hello!
It is late at night. I just got home from an improv show called Slay Bells in Capitol Hill. It was done by a wonderfully talented group of people know as The Blood Squad (bloodsquadpresents.com). This was my first time being in the audience at one of their productions but it most definitely will not be the last!
However, that is not what brings me back to this blog, after about a years time. I am going to try this whole blog thing again in 2011. I think it will help me to keep track of the creative schedule and goals I have given myself for the upcoming year.
It started out with NaNoWriMo. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is a month long contest in November to write a 50,000 word novel. I completed it this year, writing my first ever novel titled '15'. This reminded me how much I love writing and how much I need to do more of it. Luckily, NaNoWriMo has opened up a wealth of additional venues for motivation and competition in the written arts. Because of these new events being made known to me, I have compiled a schedule of what I will be partaking in;
February Album Writing Month- 14 track album in 28 days
Script Frenzy- 100 page script or stage play in April
National Epic Poem Writing Month- 5,000 line Epic Poem in May
Solo Photo Book Month- Solo photo book in 31 days in May
Write a Novel- 50,000 word novel in June
3-day Novel contest- Write a novel in 3 days in September
NaNoWriMo- 50,000 word novel in November
"In the Palm of Your Hand" poetry group- Write one poem a week for the year
If I were to complete all of these, in 2011, I would have recorded a music album, written 3 novels, a play, an epic poem, and 52 additional poems and a photo book. I would say that is a healthy creative schedule. In addition to these goals I will add finish edits on '15' by February and get published at least twice.
I am hoping this blog will help me chronicle my goals as I reach (or fail to reach) them.
It is late at night. I just got home from an improv show called Slay Bells in Capitol Hill. It was done by a wonderfully talented group of people know as The Blood Squad (bloodsquadpresents.com). This was my first time being in the audience at one of their productions but it most definitely will not be the last!
However, that is not what brings me back to this blog, after about a years time. I am going to try this whole blog thing again in 2011. I think it will help me to keep track of the creative schedule and goals I have given myself for the upcoming year.
It started out with NaNoWriMo. For those who don't know, NaNoWriMo is a month long contest in November to write a 50,000 word novel. I completed it this year, writing my first ever novel titled '15'. This reminded me how much I love writing and how much I need to do more of it. Luckily, NaNoWriMo has opened up a wealth of additional venues for motivation and competition in the written arts. Because of these new events being made known to me, I have compiled a schedule of what I will be partaking in;
February Album Writing Month- 14 track album in 28 days
Script Frenzy- 100 page script or stage play in April
National Epic Poem Writing Month- 5,000 line Epic Poem in May
Solo Photo Book Month- Solo photo book in 31 days in May
Write a Novel- 50,000 word novel in June
3-day Novel contest- Write a novel in 3 days in September
NaNoWriMo- 50,000 word novel in November
"In the Palm of Your Hand" poetry group- Write one poem a week for the year
If I were to complete all of these, in 2011, I would have recorded a music album, written 3 novels, a play, an epic poem, and 52 additional poems and a photo book. I would say that is a healthy creative schedule. In addition to these goals I will add finish edits on '15' by February and get published at least twice.
I am hoping this blog will help me chronicle my goals as I reach (or fail to reach) them.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Regarding the Man with the Bonsai Tree
You held life in dead hands
holding steady to the ideal of this man
who knew how to stick it out
Her purse on one shoulder and her coat on the other
one palm on her waist, an excuse to get closer
you held out the tree,to her disapproving composure
she smiled looking at the man across the row
he was giving his girlfriend a necklace, gold.
You'll never win her this way, you know.
holding steady to the ideal of this man
who knew how to stick it out
Her purse on one shoulder and her coat on the other
one palm on her waist, an excuse to get closer
you held out the tree,to her disapproving composure
she smiled looking at the man across the row
he was giving his girlfriend a necklace, gold.
You'll never win her this way, you know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)